day ten: selfless?

I am a selfish person. I know I am. Even as I am trying to “deny self” during this season of Lent, in the back of my mind, somewhere in a dark corner where I hope people don’t poke around, is selfishness. We all have it to some extent. And, in many cases (at least in my life), it gets camouflaged in “selfless” acts.

Of course, there is a selflessness in volunteering, giving, sharing, etc. But rarely are our motives pure. These things make us feel good. In fact, we sometimes do them to make us feel better about ourselves, to mask how selfish we are in every other aspect of our lives. But it still feels good and feeds my ego to get a pat on the back or a note of thanks for my good deeds.

Part of my journey this Lent is learning how to give without the get. If I don’t get anything for my giving—not one smile, acknowledgement, thanks, or warm fuzzy feeling—hopefully I can learn how to give up my selfishness, to turn my focus outward so much that I become self-less.

Today was a learning experience in this journey.

Dozens of senior adults gathered at our church this morning to hear from professionals about how to deal with the challenges of aging, and we had agreed to help with refreshments for today’s culinary care. We bought frozen mini-quiches from Costco, popped them in the oven for 15 minutes, and set them out in a line of refreshments.

It was easy, convenient, and required virtually no sacrifice of time or money on our part. Hardly anyone realized that we had even brought food. It didn’t really make me feel good to have done it, which bothered me.

But what bothered me even more was the fact that I realized I craved the acknowledgement (or at least the good feeling I got) for giving and serving. I had missed the point.

Lent is not about making ourselves feel good for giving (or giving up something). We don’t perform "selfless" acts in order to think more highly of ourselves. We do it to break ourselves of the desire for that kind of self-affirmation.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to perform a completely selfless act. Is there even such a thing? I don't think so, but that doesn't diminish the good that can we can do when we try to focus less on self and more on others, even when we don't succeed.