This short phrase can be an admission of ignorance, an apathetic mumble offered with a shrug, or the greatest statement of faith that we can offer.
In regards to today's activity, all I can say is, "I don't know."
Today started with me not knowing what to have for breakfast. I opened the fridge and this is what I found:
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| That reminds me: we need to throw out that casserole from two weeks ago on the bottom shelf. |
As I pulled in to Dunkin' Donuts, I was all ready for today's culinary care. I was going to pull up to the window, pay for my order, and give some extra money to the cashier to pay for the person behind me in line. A different way to "pay it forward" (pay it backward?).
But when I turned the corner of the building, there was no one in line, and no one pulling in behind me. Not a very good sign. Luckily, as I got to the window, a car came up behind me.
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| The rearview mirror |
My total was $9.70, so I handed the guy a $20 bill. I told him to keep the change and use it to pay for the person behind me. After I got my food, I pulled away slowly to watch what would happen. The car pulled up to the window, the driver extended his arm to hand the cashier his money, and...
...the cashier took it!
I drove away, pissed! Then I thought...maybe the cashier realized what he was doing and gave the money back to the driver; maybe the driver was better off than me and didn't even need the money, passing it on to someone behind him; maybe the cashier needed the extra money himself, or maybe he just wanted to pocket it. I don't know.
Later in the day, while visiting the Greenville Rescue Mission to find out how our church could support their work. While there, one of the counselors started talking about a guy that has never wanted to live at the mission. The counselor would occasionally see him, they'd have a meal together, and the counselor would extend the invitation to the mission again, but the guy always preferred to live in the woods. This homeless man's name was Phil...the Phil we met on day three!
I don't know where he is. I don't know what happened to him after we saw him. I don't know if he will ever find a place to stay. There's so much I don't know, so much I can't know, not just about Phil or the driver behind me but in everything we do. I just don't know.
I'd like to, though. But if I'm learning a lesson through these 40 days, it's that I can't, I won't, and I really don't need to. (I grit my teeth as I type this, fighting every keystroke). I can't know and I can't control how others respond to what I am doing. I may not ever know if anything that we've done is helpful or meaningful to anyone. All I can do is offer what I can, and trust and hope that some good may come out of it.
There's lots of different ways to translate Romans 8:28a, but here's the way I read it: "But we know that in all things God works together with those who love God for good."
If nothing else, I do know that.
I am so furious at this post. But I, like you, am really hoping that circumstances are not what they appeared to be. I would like to think that the cashier told the guy over the speaker that someone paid for his meal, then he drove up and paid for his own anyway so that your money could be passed on to the next person. With all the horrible things our family has experienced, I totally understand your NEED, not desire, but your NEED to rely on Romans 8:28. In order to truly love and trust our God, we have to KNOW that God works for our good. Some days that "knowing" is harder than others...like when someone does something despicable like steal your money intended for another person. Or maybe they didn't. Argh.
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